If you are finding yourself asking “why do I feel so bad about myself”, it’s time to take a closer look at what is causing you to feel this way. Being honest with yourself by identifying the source of the problem can help to see the problem and a possible solution in a clearer way.
And by asking this painful question you are already a step ahead of many people who live in a state of false contentment, ignorant of their pain.
That being said, let’s bring more clarity and find out what holds you back from enjoying yourself fully and what to do about it.
What does it mean when you feel bad about yourself?
“I hate myself!”, “I don’t like myself”, “I feel awful”, “I feel like a bad person” – what REALLY stands behind these statements?
It's your reaction to realizing that something went wrong and that you could have done better. This sensation can be associated with guilt or shame, or simply disappointment with yourself or your choices.
It can also come from a feeling of letting yourself (or someone else) down in some way; a sense of failure, of not measuring up to certain expectations.
Very often however this feeling of not liking (or even hating) yourself, comes in a vague demeanor that is hard to pinpoint and impossible to clearly verbalize.
It is almost like some looming sensation that is unpleasant and bothersome. Let’s clarify this.
Recognizing self-loathing: 7 signs you hate yourself
In most recognizable forms self-hatred comes as:
1. Self-criticism. You don’t like your appearance or your personality traits. You constantly disapprove of your conduct and the way you behave.
2. Comparing. You constantly compare yourself or your life with others, and you hardly ever “win”. The grass seems always greener elsewhere.
3. Competition. You feel like you must be better than someone. But often you find the opposite. You get discouraged and unmotivated to do many things.
4. Not good enough. You question your self-worth and you don’t believe that you can have good things (a fine partner, a higher career position, more money). And when you do receive it, you think it’s undeserved.
5. Perfection. You believe you must be perfect (whatever this perfect means to you) and on many occasions, you find that you are not. You set impossibly high standards, yet you always need more.
6. Shame. You find yourself embarrassed for who you are, how you look, how you act or what you do, often questioning even your smallest and most insignificant acts.
7. Guilt. You persistently feel that you have done something wrong. You impose certain criteria on yourself and feel guilty until you meet them.
Why do I feel so bad about myself?
If you ever wondered “Why do I hate myself so much”, “Why do I feel like a bad person”, “Why do I feel out of it”, “Why do I feel so bad about myself”, or “Why am I so miserable? here is your answer.
"hello" from the Childhood
From our family dynamics to our relationships with peers, things we experienced during childhood have a lasting impact on us as adults.
Some of us may have grown up in an environment that has made us feel inadequate and unworthy. While others may have had incidents in the past that they have never fully processed and understood. It makes it explainable then, why one may feel like a failure later in life.
But even with being raised in relatively “normal” backgrounds, it doesn’t take much to develop a feeling of worthlessness, either.
Our minds and bodies are especially sensitive during our formative years. So even small instances of criticism or ridicule can lead to a deep-seated feeling of guilt and self-loathing. And unfortunately, adults, even when they are well-meaning, don’t understand children and underestimate the effect caregiver has on a wonky child’s psyche.
Shame culture
We may not recognize it but not only events but people shape our self-perception, beliefs and outlook on life.
Unfortunately, the culture we live in constantly encourages one behavior and judges the other, cultivating shame for something that we do, or don’t do. It sets rules for the appropriate appearance, dictates what morals we should possess, and defines what will make us look ridiculous and improper.
It tells us what career goals we should have and how much we should earn, what we should wear and how much we should weight, how much we should work and how much to rest, how often we should have sex and who should we have it with.
This voice of society puts incredible stress and confusion in our heads. Try to find a sense of balance when you’re constantly receiving messages that equate value with certain behaviors and appearances!
It feels as though we must constantly swim against the current to do what is right for us. No wonder that most of the time we feel worthless, shamed and disapproved.
“Perfection” mindset
The mindset of a perfectionist leads us to believe that we are worthless without achieving outstanding results.
Setting high (and often impossible) standards paralyzes our best intentions in life by making us think “If I can’t have perfection why even bother”.
It’s a common trap we fall into, when we are kinda ready to take action, but scared that we will not succeed. So, usually, we abandon our plans and end up feeling disappointed with ourselves for not even trying.
Perfectionism comes along with not good enough mentality. It sends the message that you’re not measuring up, no matter how hard you try. Maybe it’s the fear of not living up to someone else’s expectations. Or perhaps it’s your own expectations of perfection that are getting in the way.
Find out more how to get over perfectionism in this dedicated article.
Self-criticism and not accepting yourself the way you are
In a world abundant with social media role models and picture-perfect lifestyles, we find more reasons than ever to be less satisfied with the life we have. It causes us to criticize our conduct and daily choices harshly, belittle our intelligence or appearance, and create an unattainable urge to constantly “improve” ourselves.
Sometimes, we are so resentful of who we are that we even lie to others by hiding essential details, telling untruths, or indulging in unhealthy habits in secret. Such behavior makes us feel ashamed and guilty and we separate from the world even more.
The idea that something is wrong with us and needed to be fixed lingers below the surface of everyday thoughts and often goes unnoticed. While people may not acknowledge that they dislike themselves, the mistreatment they inflict on themselves is not an act of self-love and self-acceptance.
Search for approval
If you struggle to say no when you really mean to say no, it could indicate a yearning for approval from others. It’s like asking “What should I say or how should I act so I am more to your liking?”
At the same time if I ask you what you really want, would you have the answer? I doubt that. The more you try to fit in and impress others, the less access you have to your true desires.
Contrary to what you may believe, saying yes all the time doesn’t necessarily make you a better person or more lovable. It might feel good in the moment, but it’s not sustainable.
You’ll eventually start to resent yourself and those around you for it. With people sensing these mixed signals, your chances to be agreeable and likable only get slimmer.
Absence of real connections
Feeling bad about ourselves can be caused by many factors, but one of the most common reasons is the absence of real connections in our lives.
Human beings are social creatures, and we need meaningful relationships to thrive. When we lack these connections, we can feel isolated, lonely, and worthless.
And it’s not just the number of connections we have, but more the quality of those connections.
you can be born like that
Another answer to your question “Why do I feel so bad about myself?” is that you could be naturally more predisposed to low moods or depression-like states.
When we’re born, we come with over 400 individual psychological traits that develop as we grow up. Some of these characteristics are predispositions for moods such as anxiety or depression. Additionally, some people may inherit imbalanced hormone levels, like serotonin. It can impact their mood, making an exciting day for one person only so-so for another.
I know it sounds unfair, but it’s important to understand how nature plays a major role in our feelings of loneliness and emptiness. Especially when we have no apparent reasons to feel that.
How do I stop feeling bad about myself?
It’s natural to have moments of self-doubt and insecurity, but constantly feeling bad is not a healthy way to live.
What to do if you hate yourself most of the time? Luckily, there is an answer.
So let’s see how to stop self-hatred.
- First, it’s important to remember that feelings of low self-worth are not permanent or unchangeable. Feeling bad about yourself is a pattern that we learn and adapt. And we reinforce it each time we follow it without questioning. In other words, self-criticism is nothing but a bad habit that can be adjusted.
- Keep in mind that self-hatred is more common than you think. The fact that people don’t talk about it often enough doesn’t mean it is non-existent. Acknowledge that it is part of the human experience and there’s no shame in feeling low about yourself.
- As I have already mentioned, it’s important to take a sober look and face your “demons” fearlessly. When you take time to recognize negative emotions about yourself with all honesty, it can help in identifying patterns and taking steps to avoid similar future scenarios. And guess what? You’ve already done this! Cheers to you!
- Once acknowledged, get into closer acquaintance with your inner critic, by noticing negative talk and bringing awareness to that. Thank the inner critic for a remark, acknowledge it and move on without any hard feelings. When it comes back (and it will) do the same – turn it into a small reactional habit. Believe me, it will soon start to fade away.
- Begin to practice self-compassion and treat yourself kindly when making a mistake or having an off day. Self-compassion is understanding that everyone has flaws. Accept this instead of beating yourself up for every little thing that went wrong. To learn more about self-compassion and how to practice it check out this dedicated article.
- Engaging in consistent meditation practice is a must. Through meditation you will discover much more about yourself. It will help you to deal with this inner critic chatter in your head and will help to deal with anxiety associated with self-loathing. If you don’t know how to approach meditation, go here for a start.
- I strongly recommend getting into therapy. As much as we might think that we can deal with your problems without outside intervention, believe me, therapy is like chicken soup for your soul. A good compassionate professional can provide you the leverage to move forward and look at your underlying issues with more clarity.
